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wow, it’s been too long since i’ve updated.
i feel like so much has happened… here’s the fairly short version i suppose…
umm i went on a date 2 weeks ago and the guy texted me 2 days later telling me we really hit it off and that he really liked me but bc i couldn’t be on top during sex - we couldn’t go on a second date. this made me feel like complete disgusting shit. we then spoke about a week later and he told me the whole story. how he’s not very big so he’s afraid he won’t be able to please me and he feared getting into a relationship and getting to the point of having sex, then not being able to please me. he asked me on a second date bc he really likes me… and we’re going out on saturday.
therapy on monday went really well. he told me he was proud of me and that i’m doing very well. i really spoke this time and i got so much off of my chest. on a sad note, he gave me 2 weeks to change my number, email, and delete my blog :/ which brings me to my next topic…
6 years ago today, i went for my marriage license and friday would have been 6 years ago since we’d gotten married. we’ve been talking a lot lately about how we wish we had waited or we wish i had stayed instead of going home etc. and it’s made me come up with so many “what ifs?” i realized a few days ago that the reason i try to push him away so much is because i still love him. i mean, who truly stops loving their first love? but yesterday he told me he still loves me too. i think that’s why he hasn’t let go. i think that’s why so many times last year he emailed me just to see how i was. i never replied. i thought i needed him out of my life and to never see or hear from him again. him being by my side through this week has been a godsend. yes it’s difficult and it hurts so much but having someone who gets what i’m going through because he went through it too, is that much easier.
i still remember having a fight and taking off my ring and crying so much wanting to break things off. probably something stupid. i don’t remember. most likely my insecurities. god i was so fucked up. such a child. but i remember then laying in his huge 4-post bed and we came up with this crazy idea to get married while i was visiting. i thought he was crazy. i thought we had it all - our future, our plans, our marriage, kids, etc. we did - we just jumped too soon. we still love each other. part of me thinks we always will. whether this means we’re meant for each other, i don’t know. i don’t know if i’ll ever know lol.
i have way too much i need to write on this subject but i think for now i’m gonna leave it go. it’s 10:54pm and if i get into it now, i’ll never be able to fall asleep.
so yesterday i started therapy. i went for my first session at 4. we did a 45 minute phone session last week to get a little background info as to what’s going on. yesterday was more-less an extension of the get to know me session. i spoke of a lot going on at home, my boss at work, my ex husband, and my recent breakup. he wanted to spend a lot of time on my depression and the medication i am on for it and really wanted to touch base on any suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort.
i feel good about going to therapy. i feel like it’s finally a positive outlet to getting things off my chest. he’s very supportive of many things i’ve expressed to him.
i’m truly considering taking Angel up on her offer with allowing me to move in with her. i don’t see it as a permanent solution so i would want to move in with her and get myself on a housing list until i’m able to get an apartment. after doing research, the rent is usually 30% of your gross income.
the last few days have been exceptionally difficult for me. saturday night, i was opening up to my bf about everything that’s been going on with me and he told me he feels we needed to take a break because he says i have too much going on right now. i don’t know how to feel about this. of course i’m hurt. of course i’m pissed. but i don’t know what to do. one minute i tell myself that he isn’t the one for me and that i’m better off alone but then when i allow myself to get inside my head, i miss him and may want him back. i’m going to give it a week or so, and after therapy tomorrow and some time apart, i’m hoping the answers will come to me. see, and i haven’t cried since that night and now that i’m writing about it, tears are forming. i don’t want to cry. i don’t want to dwell.
enough for now…
i go to my therapist for the first time this week… tuesday to be exact. i’m pretty nervous. i’m hoping that it helps significantly and that i’m able to open up freely to him. positive vibes would be awesome! thanks guys :)
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